Episode #5: I am not ok.

I have already shared the podcast episode (#4) about this, however I wanted to share the original essay.

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Mel Robbins tells me that I should be OK

She tells me that it’s just a preset timeline based on somebody else’s expectations.

But I’m not OK

I live my life for the people that I love so dearly

I do for them more than I do for myself

And yet

When I say I’ve had enough, I’m told that I’m selfish

I’m not OK

I’m finding my way

I’m learning life’s lessons that are put before me

I am thankful, I am blessed, I am loved

I am not OK

I am judged

I am hard to understand

I am growing

I am learning

I am not OK

There is this expectation that I should be in a certain place and I am far from it

I used to think that I was on this endless trajectory only to realize I may be falling

I am not OK

I see the oligarchy and the tyranny and the judgment and the rules that are being held against me and so many others, just for simply living

I am not OK

I see people helplessly being handed unbelievable hardships in their lives,

being upended with no control and no sense of being,

And yet I’m supposed to be OK

I am not OK

I care for someone whose ability to care for themselves decreases with every passing day.

I have to make decisions that I never thought I would have to make

I sacrifice more than that person will ever know

I sacrifice more than the world will ever know

I am not OK

Every once in a while, I see the horizon

I see what it is before me

I see what I have been allowed to bring into this world

I understand my gifts

I understand my heart

I understand that God is bigger than anything I will ever understand completely.

I look to the sky and see it painted with the brilliance that no artist could ever re-create.

I take a deep breath

I close my eyes

I exhale

I begin to see

That I

I will be OK.

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Hearing our thoughts out loud can be so impactful. If you have a moment (or 12, to be exact), listen to the full podcast episode here:

https://bridgettecarey.substack.com/p/i-am-not-ok

or here:

https://youtu.be/5HjdPP-Z7ag

Until next time -

Xo,

B.